Posted on

Alone

The feeling of complete aloneness. It is so over bearing and crippling. I have just passed a manic phase and seem to be wandering into the depressive phase. It is most interesting to document this disease. This depression is a complete feeling of isolation and misunderstanding. Suicide? Nope.

Just the feeling of absent and quiet. Of tolerance and pain. Of nothingness and stillness.

I read today that we manics tend to be great artists. This I find funny, however, as of late I have found one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emilie_Autumn

This is of little importance. I am no great artist. I have no skill or defining ability. I am poor white trash with nothing to offer but a serious set of flaws and fat. I thought, I could make great on this…disease. But alas, no. Just a set of cuts on my wrist one month and a shopping spree the next.

Sometimes the thoughts of death as a release are comforting and necessary, sometimes they are crude and intolerable. I have no ability to know what I do. I can feel all the time, I am always feeling. But logic and rationality come every so often and at their own whim.

This aloneness. This horror of isolation. This multi-faced bitch in the mirror. This is me.

I can allow others to judge me and I pray that they do. As their perception of me passes fancy and creates a hole around me, they are validated that they are not flawed, I am validated that I am.

Dead things walk the edges of my mind as I wander through this misty place. Once my friend and companion, my mind is now unexplored and unforgiving. For lack of credit card and sun my mind has once again resorted to turning grey as the sky does this October. Now the excitement leaves and the silence sets in. Sweet, deadly silence.

Now as the season turns. I am alone. For the manic may come and go as it pleases, but only on a ticket. This is now the season of my depression. The aloneness coils around me like a blanket from hell.

I am here to greet her, my old friend. I feel safe in the dead of her loving embrace.

Posted on

Am I God?

God is simply and most safely a “person” we imagine that holds a mirror to ourselves. So that we may look in that mirror and see who we are, bit by bit, thought by thought, emotion by emotion, wrinkle by wrinkle. In this mirror we see ourselves, only ourselves viewed by and judged by; only ourselves.

God is the person we envision being their as we see ourselves in all honesty, in all nakedness and truth. God is very simply a inner image of someone that sees us as we see ourselves and loves us anyway. This person that god is. Well, he (or she, or it or whatever it is that you see) is the person holding the mirror that only we see that does not judge, or comment on, or scold. God is us seeing the true image of what we are and hoping that that is good enough. God is us, we are god. To only god can you pray but only you will hear these prayers as only god can hear.

God is the only person you can trust. Your instinct and your mind, your heart and your truth. Never allow another man to tell you who is god.

Only you know who god is. As god only speaks to you. Every man has a different view of god and yes, god talks to every man. Not two, three , four men. Every single human is spoken to by god alone. You see?

Only you can hear the words of god as they are meant to you.

To tell others that they can only accept the words that god has said to only you is false and against god.

God speaks to everyone. In their own language.

God is the only one in the room of my mind, god is there with me as I hold the mirror to myself, only god and I know who I am.

See? God does not rule us, god does. Ourselves trying to comprehend something so simple we started wars for it, raped children for it, beat women for it, and killed innocents for it. And “it” is bad. Not god but bad men. Bad, bad men.

god is ourselves, crying to be seen by all, but unheard still.

“And in likeness, we were created”.

Anonymous. Published. 2006

Posted on

Hair I am

I cut my hair today. Finally the inches and inches of it. All gone. I never cut my hair. It has been to this date nine years since I have cut it.

When my father died I took off 7 inches of my beautiful Lakota hair. Today I cut off ten.

I watched my mother in a full blown panic attack and realized that she and I have had enough. She and I have been to hell (only to go straight back). The hair is bundled and ready for the ocean. I took my hair to the ocean nine years ago for my daddy. Now I cut it again. My Grandmother past away this last month but in truth, that has nothing to do with anything that comes to my silly hair.

I cut my hair to invoke change, to acknowledge change, to become one with it.

I am within public display of my horrid, painful folly.

I cut my hair because the past is dead. Because the past has become so painful I cannot breathe.

I cut off the past, I found my husbands arms covered with my own tears. Without the past I do not know who I am. My hair is gone, my beauty, my pride. Now I feel worthless. Now I can become worthlessness. I only can accept that I am what I am with or without my precious hair.

If I had balls, they would be very engorged. It took all of my strength to cut my past from myself and face still, my own face. Hair or no hair, God or no God, dreams or no dream.

I could feel the knife upon my vein (oh, how I wanted it). I can still feel the clean cut that severs me from all of this.  But I took the blade to my hair, not to my life.

Death screams to me but I chose to sever the ghost of the past. Not sever the ghost of the future.

Blade covered with hair, not blood. I am satisfied by this.

Posted on

Gay Marriage; I do or I don’t do?

Recently reading a wonderful article in Newsweek (please buy a copy all of you) with the headliner “The Religious Case for Gay Marriage” Dec. 15, 2008. Whether for or against gay marriage I encourage you to read this most logical, knowledgeable, well written article. It is very true that these last 5 years have been a war waged on two very important things (both which I am very passionate about). The first; abortions, oh you bet I have an opinion on that but alas, another blog. The second; gay marriage.

Cons: Makes a mockery of the traditional man/woman marriage.

My retort: A mockery? With a country that has a divorce rate over 50%?! You want to talk about respecting the sanctity of marriage? In vows (before God mind you) a promise is made to God and to each other that you will love and honor forever, forsaking all others, in sickness and in health. People get divorced anyways because they fall in love with other people, because the partners gets sick or worst of all because two people did not know each other long enough before they were married to realize they are a disaster together. With such little respect shown to the institutional/spiritual marriage between a man and a woman I hardly see why anyone should be offended by two people of the same sex wanting to participate in this very publicly diminished ceremony.

Cons: But the bible says…

My retort: Put a little effort into reading the bible and all other biblical sources before you whip out that line.

Cons: Homosexuality is scary and gross.

My retort: I don’t see anything gross about two men or woman spending their lives together which often involves; the holding of hands, tender looks, passionate arguments, laughing, shopping, eating out, hugging and kissing (all of which I do with my best girl friend and yes, I am married and “straight”). As for the private stuff you can “only imagine” I would recommend that you should not spend so much time thinking about what other people do in bed together and concentrate on what you do in bed. Really how would you like everyone picturing you in the throws of passion (love handles and all)?

Cons: Marriage might make it easier for homosexual couples to adopt children.

My retort: Are you fucking kidding me?! Are you going to adopt them and give them good homes? You would really rather have the child float around in foster care than have a shot at the possibility of a solid, loving home? If you are going to take those guns out better do some research. Children raised in same sex relationships almost always turn out better off (happier, healthier and more successful) than those that come out of  foster homes and equally as good as the “normal” home. Don’t ask me why (though I would try to tell you) just trust me and do some looking up on those statistics.

I know there are plenty more cons but my point is as straight as it gets.

No one has the right to tell anyone what they can and cannot do as long as those wishes do not harm anyone else. I personally don’t see gay marriage as threatening to my life or my husbands life or my child’s life or any ones life for that matter (shit, it doesn’t even threaten my well being). Marriage is hard and if you have the balls to do it then you should be given your chance. It is the human being’s right to choose it’s own path in life.

http://www.youdebate.com/DEBATES/gay_adoption.HTM

http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/national/2008/10/31/emerging-gay-adoption-fight-shares-battle-lines-of-same-sex-marriage-debate.html

http://www.idebate.org/debatabase/topic_details.php?topicID=51