When she’s gone.

When she is gone. I do not know what to do.

My mom is in Northern California celebrating her mother-in-laws 90th birthday. I dropped her off at the airport this morning and I hated it. I do not like it when she is away.

It was a trip that was hard for her. She has not traveled in a few years. My task is to care for her animals. I am left in a situation I have been in before. My mother raised me to take care of animals, to respect them. I have four cats, she has four, all adopted. However, my mother has a dog. This dog of hers is so devoted, like her last dog; will not eat anything until my mother comes home. When my mothers parents needed her to do what it is I guess that daughters do… clean up the mess, she traveled to Southern California from Oregon to help them.

I spent almost a year tending to her animals. She spent almost a year tending to her family, she suffered in silence. I stayed here and suffered in silence. I would travel from my home to hers to care for them, twice a day, 30 min each way. She traveled through hell, watching her father and brother die. I told her I was going to come down. She told me not to. She would not let me feel the burden. Eventually I just moved into her house. I could not travel anymore.

I ate Mortadella and brie and baguette for a year. I almost lost my marriage. I traveled and traveled and traveled. I gained 20 pounds of wine and Italiano meats and cheeses.

My mother lives less than a mile from me now. I moved closer to her. Now, she is always near. After my father died, my mother moved close to me. Then… her father died. Then her brother died. And finally, after my mother had brought her here to live close, after my mother had nursed her and suffered the abuse of a woman who had lost control, my grandmother died. I woke my mother up to tell her the night her mother had past, I had to be there for at least that. On this I was not going to let her down. I stayed with her.

Every family member that my mother and I had had, died. Now she is visiting my fathers family. I would not go. They are not my family anymore I guess. It is my own decision, they cared for me when I was younger but as I got older I was isolated and endlessly teased by my uncle. I was called a “satan worshiper” , “black devil” and such. I had always felt unaccepted among my fathers family and my cousins. But… I belong to my father, not them and he loved me. In the end he told me he loved me anyway, even through the bad years. My mother has always loved me regardless.

I guess my point for this silly post is that, I love my mom. You see? She is too far from me now with a family I do not trust. Her dog is now finally sleeping after eating. I checked on her cats, all accounted for and pissed off that she is gone. I do not blame them. I would never want to see my mother get on a plane. I would never want to see her leave.

My husband is carving a pumpkin, my son is playing… life seems as it should be.

But the history… I want my mom. I want my dad. I want it all. Right here. As it should be.

I miss you mom. So very much. I hope you are having a good time. I know you would rather be here but… you always did do the right thing. I love you.


I have long held my angers, judgement and flat out irate rantings about the folly of human kind. Right now I would like to write it out, let it move through me and offend many people. For those people I offend… fuck you. For ONCE in my life I could care less. I have stopped thinking about you, helping you, sacrificing myself for you.

Human beings are a mass of disease. Horrid things we are. For all you blonde. bimbo bomb shells, please… kill yourselves. For all you ego stated men of pleasure, please… kill yourselves. Just do us all a favor. Become a Saint and sacrifice yourself unto the will of whatever pathetic God you believe in. I am so sick of this shit.

I am just a middle aged, fat, ugly human. Woman with a cunt… as you fuckers say.

Kiss my ass.

I wanted my husband home tonight. Made him a wonderful dinner, I have been taking my meds you see, I am a “good” wife now. But the meds do not change how I feel. Why do humans demand so much? Why do we have so many children? Why do we suffer and blame a nameless, empty God? My husband is out making a living. Every second he is away he misses me, does the best by me and his child. Why is this happening? Why has society accepted this “norm”? I may be a bitch with an illness but I am a bitch that loves my husband and child. I am a bitch that wants to be with them, both of them, everyday without the threat of outside crap.

My husband loves his job. I love his job but I miss him. He works harder and harder to support us.  I miss him more and more. I would give anything that society was not so ignorant with a lying government and shit for brains democracy.

Why? Why for this small pathetic life, can I not just live and enjoy it? Why do human fucking beings take so much from each other? It is pathetic how much so many try to become God. Money, power, control. Fuck it all,

Just want my family. No fancy restaurant, no massage, no T.V. show, no maids. I just want to be with my family. I would like the ones who need ” more” to kindly fuck off. Really. Human bastards. Fuck off. And take your money and religious domination with you.

Sorry hubby. I am ranting. I am keeping the potatoes warm for you. 🙂

*edit* I am sorry about the rant post. I had always dreamed of something better than this. I for some reason thought it would all be cuddling with my husband and child, cooking with my adopted uncle, talking with my mother and laughing with my father over oysters. Life is beautiful but something is fucking it up… am I the only one who sees this? I do not think I am. March on my friends. I will bring the muffins and soul fire.