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Alone

The feeling of complete aloneness. It is so over bearing and crippling. I have just passed a manic phase and seem to be wandering into the depressive phase. It is most interesting to document this disease. This depression is a complete feeling of isolation and misunderstanding. Suicide? Nope.

Just the feeling of absent and quiet. Of tolerance and pain. Of nothingness and stillness.

I read today that we manics tend to be great artists. This I find funny, however, as of late I have found one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emilie_Autumn

This is of little importance. I am no great artist. I have no skill or defining ability. I am poor white trash with nothing to offer but a serious set of flaws and fat. I thought, I could make great on this…disease. But alas, no. Just a set of cuts on my wrist one month and a shopping spree the next.

Sometimes the thoughts of death as a release are comforting and necessary, sometimes they are crude and intolerable. I have no ability to know what I do. I can feel all the time, I am always feeling. But logic and rationality come every so often and at their own whim.

This aloneness. This horror of isolation. This multi-faced bitch in the mirror. This is me.

I can allow others to judge me and I pray that they do. As their perception of me passes fancy and creates a hole around me, they are validated that they are not flawed, I am validated that I am.

Dead things walk the edges of my mind as I wander through this misty place. Once my friend and companion, my mind is now unexplored and unforgiving. For lack of credit card and sun my mind has once again resorted to turning grey as the sky does this October. Now the excitement leaves and the silence sets in. Sweet, deadly silence.

Now as the season turns. I am alone. For the manic may come and go as it pleases, but only on a ticket. This is now the season of my depression. The aloneness coils around me like a blanket from hell.

I am here to greet her, my old friend. I feel safe in the dead of her loving embrace.

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If…

If you intend to make a cheese sauce please remember to base it with a rue. Cheese sauce with no rue is quite pitiful and painfully chunky.

Cheese Sauce:

Butter

Flour

Cheese (what ever strikes your fancy)

Cream/milk

Melt the butter down and slowly incorporate flour, stirring constantly. For a cheese sauce you want a honey colored rue. Add flour until you get a sticky paste at the bottom of your pot. When you rue is achieved please add, SLOWLY your cream/milk in small increments. Whisk all the while. Slowly add your dairy until you see what looks like a cream sauce and then, over LOW heat, start adding your cheese. Whisk in in 1/4 cup portions, your cheese of choice. I commonly combine variations of both Swiss, German, English and American cheeses.

The whisking is the key. Over low heat. Think of it like a cheesy dream. Create your heart out. Or get medication to control the level of cholesterol that this cheese sauce may bring.

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Are you a good parent? Am I?

Today as I was walking through the store with my family. A woman, who was an employee approached me.

She had witnessed me, point blank , tell my son after a quick tantrum; ” You will not raise your voice to me, I am your mother.” This was all that I said and my son responded with an apology.

The female employee said with a smile;

” I was just telling another girl what a good mother you are. So many mother’s let their children run wild without respect for other people.”

This, to me, is completely foreign. I have never once thought I was a good mother. I stress over details, discipline, encouragement and as most parents do; when do I get myself back? My child is a constant struggle. A very dear friend told me as of late “The nut cracker works fine, you just have a hard nut to crack”.

This woman in the store admired my approach to child rearing, if you can still call it that. I felt very good, for once about motherhood. Everyone about seems to think I am a good mother, I however disagree. I could be faster, better, smarter, stronger.

Inside of my heart I love my boy, who questions me and tells me I am wrong. He challenges me constantly and while it drives me to madness it also blooms proud in my spirit. I am rasing him as I promised I would.

My rules:

1) I will accept my child no matter what or whom he has decided to become.

2) I will love him completely regardless of any circumstance.

3) I will discipline him for any disrespect of another being, be it animal or human.

4) I will always hold him to his word.

5) I will never tell him a lie.

These are the rules I wrote in my diary long before he was born. I have kept them all. I do not think I am a good mother. He is only four and there is much more to come for him. How he sees me now as an “authority”  that will some day change into an “understanding”. I only want to ask of him what I ask of myself. I seem like a harsh mother, but perhaps the woman at the store has given me a new understanding. I was a black sheep child… who struggled against all that was handed to me. Maybe my real purpose in life is to raise this “unexpected” child. To make him my better? Maybe this is what all of us parents are meant to do?

To love and live for, even if we are judged harshly, our children.

The hardest nut of all.

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Work Vs. Home

I believe there are many people out there, be man or woman who would rather stay at home than work. I have tried this “housewife/houseman” method. For me, I completely disagree. I pay respect to any man or woman who can competently handle this day to day life of taking care of the “homestead”, for I cannot.

Work Vs. Home. I beg anyone, be you psycho or loon to counter this blog and write for Home. I write for Work and this is why. Challenge me people will you?

I have done the dishes.

Work – People are shocked at my willingness to do their dishes, to “better” the work environment and save them a moment of dish pan hands. I am praised.

Home – Cannot see the kitchen as the dishes have piled up past the sink and are crusted with egg yoke.

I have swept/vacuumed the floor.

Work – Wow, we pay “outside” people to do that. You just saved us serious money and the customers are not slipping on M&M’s. I have just boosted customer/employee safety and saved the company money by doing something myself. I am very competent. I am praised.

Home – Do we own a broom? BTW, where did those M&M’s go?

I have put the inventory away by myself.

Work – I have placed all products on the shelves, cleaned and managed thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. I am praised.

Home – Did you put the groceries away?

I have controlled expired merchandise.

Work – I have just saved the company hundreds of thousands of dollars over a very serious law suit involving an expired pregnancy test, condom and/or medication. I am praised.

Home – Was the bacon bad? Really? Are you SURE the bacon was bad?!

I have care for a lost child.

Work – “Thank you so much for taking care of my son, he just slipped away from me.” I am praised

Home – “Shut up mom!”

I have arrived at work early.

Work – I am showing great promise and my time management is above expected. I am praised

Home – Everybody is still asleep and I am forging for expired bacon.

I have handled a customer’s very serious complaint competently.

Work – I have taken a customer’s very difficult situation and “righted” it for them resulting in a repeat customer that now trusts me. I am praised.

Home – Did you buy center cut peppered bacon this time!?

I have set up the entire Halloween display.

Work – It took me hours to do this display and it looks beautiful. I am praised.

Home – I could not find a place for the fake spider webs as there are too many real ones. And yes, they are full of spiders and yes, they hiss when faced with the broom.

Two of my employees have called in sick.

Work – I have compensated for missing employees and run two separate departments while managing the store, I have gone beyond the call of duty. I am praised.

Home – There are TWO toilets in this house, you know.

I have received a raise.

Work – My management skills are above and beyond, I have been very successful and shown that I am a very dedicated and powerful worker. The company loves me. I am praised.

Home – My husband got a  raise.

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Another Day

I am wondering this morning how many other people are unemployed at this very moment?

Ten years ago I could land a job without even applying for it, now nothing. I am either not qualified enough or I am over qualified for the jobs that do open up. This is all very annoying. My tasks today are to do the dishes and as my best friend informs me, to also make the bed. A few years ago at this time I would be half way through a latte and just going through last nights paper work after opening up Walgreens. The day would unfold with several tasks that had nothing to do with dishes or bed or a four year old that has just entered the “talk back” phase of childhood. I have been alerted that this phase is actually not a phase but a new fixture in our lives. Pitty is appreciated.

I have several years of management experience and consider myself a damn hard worker. These things do not matter any more. There are not enough jobs. I am not above myself and would have no problems working a position under a position of my previous experience but that does not matter. Then I am simply over qualified. You would think that putting an over qualified person in any position would be a good thing.

So my job options are now internet scam artist, work from home scam artist or any company that does telemarketing scamming. I am starting to think I should have checked “deceptive little bitch” on my future career application in high school. I have never been on unemployment but I sure have paid into it. If only I could get all that money back now. This blog sucks and now I am all pissed off and frustrated. I will try not to take it out on the dishes. Ah.. screw it, I will break em all