I am Bi-Polar… blah, blah, blah. I prefer the term Manic Depression as that is what my Grandfather called it. I feel safe, terming it so… blah , blah, blah.
OK. Let’s talk about the pills.
I have had these little diamond shaped devils for about a week now. I am truly afraid to take them. I filled the RX you see? I brought the little fuckers home but… I just don’t know. I am so afraid of these pills. They are a “mood stabilizer” with what my RN say’s “they carry a low side effect”. Honestly my little blog, I just. Don’t. Know!
If I do not take them will my life end as I feel it is everyday, slow and terrorizing? If I take them will I end up with the fatal rash/liver failure that is a common black box warning with these white little devils?
I don’t even want to think about doctors.
I am just a fucking “thing” to them. Do not get me wrong, I truly feel I may need this medication for the rest of my life, as my Grandfather did but I am scared. The doctors do not trust me and I DO NOT TRUST them. I do not affect their lives, not one of them will remember me. However, they affect me, judge me, control me and tell me what to do, always, forgetting about me. They control, forget and judge. I hate being controlled, forgotten and most of all, judged.
So… Do I take the pills and die? The thought of taking the pills makes me want to die. Do I take the pills and live? They will most likely help me live, though I doubt, not enough.
I must be reminded. I have to do this for my family and doctors.
Clean bill of heath for Catt. Try not to kill yourself. Eat up your pills like a good girl. Try not to vomit them up as usual and keep praying they will actually give you a medication that helps you survive.
Little white diamond shaped pills. They smell like bread crumbs. I take them out and feel them in my hand, I roll them around my palm. They are small and shift like snow flakes. They feel so nice and soft, falling around my fingers, the pills feel too numerous to count. In my palm I can control them. What will they taste like? These… white snow?
What will you do to me my littl’ uns? Will I fear more? Will I panic? Will I scream in pain? Will I rest and dream? Will I hide and die? Will I breathe and live? Will I…
Eat the white snow when I am thirsty. I always ate the sweet, white snow in Reno while watching my father work his bow and arrow. I always did in Nevada, clean, white snow like spoons full of cream and cold water.
Should I? Should I dare eat this demon/dream? What will happen?
Break the silence as I hold fear for white snow diamond candy.