White Snow

I am Bi-Polar… blah, blah, blah. I prefer the term Manic Depression as that is what my Grandfather called it. I feel safe, terming it so… blah , blah, blah.

OK. Let’s talk about the pills.

I have had these little diamond shaped devils for about a week now. I am truly afraid to take them. I filled the RX you see? I brought the little fuckers home but… I just don’t know. I am so afraid of these pills. They are a “mood stabilizer” with what my RN say’s “they carry a low side effect”.  Honestly my little blog, I just. Don’t. Know!

If I do not take them will my life end as I feel it is everyday, slow and terrorizing? If I take them will I end up with the fatal rash/liver failure that is a common black box warning with these white little devils?

I don’t even want to think about doctors.

I am just a fucking “thing” to them.  Do not get me wrong, I truly feel I may need this medication for the rest of my life, as my Grandfather did but I am scared. The doctors do not trust me and I DO NOT TRUST them. I do not affect their lives, not one of them will remember me. However, they affect me, judge me, control me and tell me what to do, always, forgetting about me. They control, forget and judge. I hate being controlled, forgotten and most of all, judged.

So… Do I take the pills and die? The thought of taking the pills makes me want to die. Do I take the pills and live? They will most likely help me live, though I doubt, not enough.

I must be reminded. I have to do this for my family and doctors.

Clean bill of heath for Catt. Try not to kill yourself. Eat up your pills like a good girl. Try not to vomit them up as usual and keep praying they will actually give you a medication that helps you survive.

Little white diamond shaped pills. They smell like bread crumbs. I take them out and feel them in my hand, I roll them around my palm. They are small and shift like snow flakes. They feel so nice and soft, falling around my fingers, the pills feel too numerous to count. In my palm I can control them. What will they taste like? These… white snow?

What will you do to me my littl’ uns? Will I fear more? Will I panic? Will I scream in pain? Will I rest and dream? Will I hide and die? Will I breathe and live? Will I…

Will I?

Eat the white snow when I am thirsty. I always ate the sweet, white snow in Reno while watching my father work his bow and arrow. I always did in Nevada, clean, white snow like spoons full of cream and cold water.

Should I? Should I dare eat this demon/dream? What will happen?

Break the silence as I hold fear for white snow diamond candy.

5 Replies to “White Snow”

  1. Only when you can no longer trust your own instincts should you give control of your life to others. If your instincts are screaming at you, trust them!!
    Life is not pretty. It is mysterious, wonderful, and terrifying. I can tell that your mind is too clear for what they are trying to give you. The truth is they have nothing for you. They have nothing that they can do for you, so they offer you something rather than nothing.
    Your feelings are simply something that must be endured. Just like anger, sadness, guilt, regret, passion, jealousy, etc. etc. We all must endure these things, all of us. You must learn yourself for your own self. Control is not what you should be seeking, control is an illusion you can choose to believe in but it is not real.
    Discipline can be practiced, but control can never be acheived, only sought after. After all, its not about the destination, its about the journey.

  2. Dont Do It!!!

    Only when you can no longer trust your own senses should you submit control of your life to others. If your senses are screaming at you that this is wrong, trust them!
    You seem intelligent, and of sound mind to know what they are offering you will not be a fix. The truth is, there is nothing they can do for you, so they offer you something instead of nothing out of a genuine desire to help rid you of your demons and your destructive outbursts.
    This is a descision you must make on your own, but I urge you to remember that control is an illusion. It is something that can never be acheived in our lives. Discipline can be practiced in all things, but control should only sought after, never truly attaind. I believe that would be like daming a river without any type of pressure release, its only a temporary solution, building to a catastrophe at some future date.
    Dear Cat, you cannot change who you are. Emotions are something that must be endured by all mortals. We each have our ways of coping with these passions, and they are capable of getting the best of the best of us, but ultimately we are all in this together.
    Your mind is your weapon, a dull blade is much more dangerous to wield than a sharp one. Even if you cannot always trust its double edge.

  3. On a lighter note; you’d probably be off using medical marijuana, Ha!! Thats comming from someone who, for the most part, thinks medical mary jane is B.S.

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