I just came out of the shower with a rather interesting feeling. I know what you are thinking, no, not that.
I was feeling the hot water (it is very cold here in Oregon) and the relaxation it brings. I had this moment of feeling the hot water, being embraced by the steam and seeing the water drip and fall from various objects. Believe it or not I felt as though I sensed the presence of God. Not the God most of you know but the God I believe in which is very different from the Christian God. I have felt this feeling before, not too often these days but all the same, I know this feeling.
I am a very depressed person as you know and I have chosen not to accept “treatment” as you know. So this feeling was very welcome and beautiful for me. It made me feel as though I was in love. That some how underneath all the crap that I am, all the fat, all the scars, the bulimia and the alcoholism that inside there is still that spark. The eternal spark of the universe and of love and acceptance. Everything I believe God is.
This beautiful and somewhat creepy emotion made me think of everything that I am and my refusal to change myself with medication. I ponder my death everyday, to very obsessive degrees. I came to the understanding that even if I never change my ways, feel happiness or win the lottery so I can save wolves with cold, hard, politically accepted cash; at least I will die in love.
I am not speaking of the “in love” that just any relationship can bring (though I do not doubt their powers in their own rights), I am speaking of the love that you feel so deeply that is has NO relation to sex or anything natural, it is purely unseen and belongs only to the core of the mind, if you will, the soul. I believe this love is the most profound and most evasive love of all. Many a philosophers have studied it, many poets have written it, many people have known its presence.
I do not think this love belongs only to a married man and woman. I think this love can belong to anybody at anytime. I feel this love for the Great Mystery (God) and I share this love with my husband. I have also seen this love before, written on the very face of my grandfather.
When I was a young , insolent teenager, my mother and I went to see her father, my grandfather who was very ill at the time and beginning his journey into death. He lived a ways from my mother so the trip was special. As my mother and I sat in the car, preparing to depart, my grandfather came to the screen door to see us off. Even in all of my hormonal bad attitude I was shocked to see his face as he looked at his daughter behind the wheel. How fragile he looked, so tired from life and now illness. I could see the history and the emotions of that history pass between them. I had never seen that look before. I have only seen it twice since. The look of utter, complete, undying, true love. In the moment I remember the feeling of having my feet kicked out from below me and emotions of wonder and silence cover me. It was then I first saw true love. How he loved his daughter, my mother, his most precious child. I want to explain it more but I cannot, it was between them, him and her.
I still stand in awe at that day, in awe of those emotions. This love passes between people. But I think it is very hard to see. I am 30 and have only seen it thrice. The face of my grandfather, the eyes of my husband and the stance of my father as he faced me for the last time.
My grandfather died in love. I am sure he loved many others aside his daughter but I was witness to the moment between him and her, I bear witness to the moment the love moved between them and passed. My very first, life changing glimpse of true love. I see it in my husbands eyes when he looks at me. I wonder if anyone else can see it pass over our faces. I feel it in my eyes and in my mind. I have no doubt that my grandfather’s final thoughts were truly of my mother, his daughter. I have no doubt that my final thoughts will be of my husband. I have no doubt that my mother’s final thoughts will be of my father and I have no doubts that my father’s final thoughts were of my mother and I.
Through all of the hell of this disease and of this life at least, we die in love.
Through all the misery and pain. At least I will die in love.
I thank the Great Mystery for this.
For you have my heart great darkness, unknown, you capture and rupture me. You allow me to see as I am blind and allow me to love as I know hate. We are friends, yes?