Wait.. wait a minute.

I have spent all of this blog time either writing as I see fit or talking about the pain of my disease. This disease is mostly pain. A pain felt both mentally and physically. What inspired this post is pain. Pain of compassion. I have more compassion than most, almost as much as my mother, less than my Grandfather. What inspires in us this compassion?

This disease is so unlike what the drug markets tell you. It is not a cold depression, not a passing madness. It is else.

I was born with it, as my mother, as her brothers, as her father. Only two of said five are left standing.. and on shaking knees.

Today as my world moved around me, most of said movement offends me. I have questioned this “compassion” I have. I have always said and thought to myself  “I know” this compassion is my enemy. What if it is not?

Eye.. there is the rub. What if unlike the others who condemn me and “my compassion”, “my weakness”  it is nothing other than some sort of greatness? (I know what you are thinking but no, I do NOT think I am great nor those who have suffered from it in the past). But just what, what if? We are a different breed. A unique breed.

Christ was said to be compassion and love. And the bulk of you claim to  follow his name in war and church, both which speak nothing of love or compassion.

I hurt myself and deem myself weak for it, this “compassion” I always have. I cut myself and cry, I vomit my food and listen to your judgement that I am “this” and I am “that”. Perhaps my disease is giving me something you do not know.

The ability to recognize that I am different. The ability to survive it and above all. The ability to FEEL it.

What inspires this?

A spider web.

A simple spider web I did not realize was being affected by my movements. A simple web my movements almost destroyed. For he was attached to my porch swing. I was unaware. How he was affected. Like the breeze blowing upon him, he stood graceful. But in my mind. I had affected, changed, hurt his world. What had he done to me? Nothing. What had I done to him? Ruined his web, his life, his means of survival.

Would you have noticed? Would you have cared? I think not.

But, to those out there like me at least we see it. My friend, who I hope forgives my invasive fumbling and my ” I own the world, human, I never effect anything” mentality. My spider, whom I begged for forgiveness.


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