Not Sure

I am not sure what to write. This blog was going to be my journal. The journal of my diseased mind.

It is my bad time of year. Panic attacks, cutting and anger all walk in stride. I really doubt that anyone would understand. I know there are some that do understand but how do they know they understand?  Where are these peoples? Is there anyone else?

I feel myself becoming exhausted by the “alone”, why always alone? My mind controls everything. I feel as though I am in love with my captor.  Some demon that lives in me. But that demon is my own. I feel that the more I fight it the more it fights me. I so wanted a romantic dinner and true love. I found a very complicated and desperate mind. I must be in love with myself. I am my own Romeo and Juliet. It is a horror story. Everything ends in death.

I dreamed last night that I looked in a mirror and my own image followed me down the hall trying to choke me. I woke up terrified. Terrified. My own face looking at me, following me, wanting to kill me.

I scream to the world. I scream. I mean nothing.

Where do I go?

Where do I go?

Not sure about anything. I am aware but alone. Too fucking alone.

4 Replies to “Not Sure”

  1. Darlin, I feel for you, truly. Your not lookin for sympathy Im sure, and I dont have any to hand out anyway so… I have such a hard time, impossible really, to keep my thoughts positive this time of year let alone any other time year for that matter. i dont know how those people who tell us to think positive actually manage to achieve such a thing. There is just too much time alone, inside your own head every day, and there is no way to shut it off-no off switch. Not that i would really want one, i like my brain, but the thoghts that repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat… conversations i have already had redone, conversations i would like to-need to- have, never spoke because i had them with myself.
    I have no idea where to go with this because it will never end. I have no great thoughts about solving the matter, only keen insights due to familiarity.
    Take care this holiday season Cat. From one person trapped inside their own mind to another.

    With Love,
    P. Bastard

  2. I hope your mind will float around in oblivion and see mine. Then this season will be easier. I will know at least, someone else is out there. Maybe out there in the chaos with me.

  3. There are many of us out there, but the fog is so thick sometimes they are hard to see. Faces disguised wearing friendly grins, only hiding how they really feel.
    One of my favorite songs is ‘The Grand Illusion’ by STYX. I love the lyrics and the message, you never know, it may actually make you feel better temporarily-did I spell that right? I heard it on the radio yesterday at work and it was a nice reminder, thought i would share.

  4. Moving day for me is tomorrow. I know that my friends do not have a computer, nor do I have one to bring along with me, so I will be out of touch for periods of time unknown. Wish me luck, and my best goes to you and yours.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *